Conflict can save your relationship

Most people will do anything to avoid conflict! The feelings of anger, frustration and fear that it brings up inside of us with just the thought of it is enough for us to come up with all sorts of reasons not to confront someone.

Would you rather go to the dentist for a root canal or go to a friend and confront her with something that bothers you?

If you picked a root canal, you’re not alone. It’s not unusual for most people to hate confrontation; in fact, it’s difficult for most people to skillfully handle any kind of conflict – at home or in the workplace.! I know for me it has been one of the hardest things for me to summon the courage up and do this without guzzling a bottle of bourbon to do so!

But, we conflict is a part of our lives. In our relationships with our lovers, our partners, in our business or work and of course with in our families and friendships, there will always be conflict that will arise. One of the most important skills you can have, or experiences you can have is that of conflict management. It is not so much learning it as a particular skills as such, though this could certainly help, more than being able to speak your truth from a viewpoint of how you feel, how you think, and not blaming anybody for how you feel or think.
If we can take a whole different viewpoint to conflict, we can realize that it is a normal part of life and it can be managed and made into a positive experience where you can become stronger and calmer as a person. Confronting someone.
On the contrary, conflict can be productive. A good argument with your love, or a battle with your child can, if incessant stubbornness can be avoided, bring about some wonderful opportunities to make much needed changes and bring about a deeper respect and understanding with the person you are in conflict in. In case of your lover, can also allow to push through blocks that have been stagnating the relationship, squashing more frequent opportunities for play and intimacy.

Here are some tips to keep in mind when it comes to conflict:

  • Focus on the upside. Conflict avoiders often perceive only the downside. They need to see the positive side of confronting someone.
  • Start by finding something that you both agree on (even if it’s only 1%).
  • Take responsibility – Admit your role in the situation. If you are even partly at fault, do not hold back on acknowledging your mistake up front. This will “open” the space for a more respective debate. I can say 9 times out of 10, when I am openly honest to admit where I see myself as responsible, I have instantly changed the way my husband or family member has changed towards me…for the positive!
  • Pay attention to your body. Stay calm and use your breath to keep your energy as calm as possible. You don’t want to react with anger. Your striving to have a healthy conflict where you think carefully about your thoughts and feelings and respond accordingly.This is important, especially in your relationship with your lover. The feelings that innately rise within when conflict seems for sure can cause overwhelming feelings in the body, such as feeling hot, heart racing, stomach filled with butterflies, or feeling sick or faint. Perhaps you feel “gripped” with anger. Getting hold of this immediately, using your breath and calming talking to yourself with some calming thoughts need to be your first moves.
  • Decide to be understanding Realize that you might behave like the other person if you were in their shoes. Look objectively at your behavior as well as the other person’s.
Where there’s conflict, there’s usually anger. Yet it’s the angry reactions that often get in the way of a peaceful solution to a problem.

RISE ABOVE ANGER. YOU ARE MORE THAN THIS FEELING. There is no need for you to feel shame, embarrassed, or helpless. If someone is coming at you with anger, quickly try and ask yourself why. Get in the other person’s shoes, and have as much compassion for them as you have for yourself.