I spent my younger years in my warrior energy. When I think about it, even as a kid I was standing up for the underdog and those who did not seem to have a voice, grilling the villains, and revving it up to those who were unfair. Looking back on it, it seems uncanny as I was not a confident child or young adult – in fact, quite the opposite.
In my early twenties, I ended up very unwell, I was underweight, I had a thyroid condition, and my life was falling apart. I seemed to constantly attract battles that needed fighting. I was unhappy, overwhelmed and everyone literally pissed me off. I was defensive, and would attack others at the drop of a pin.
At some point in my mid to late 20’s I experienced the beginning of my awakening. By “awakening” I mean, I started to wake up to myself. My body literally could not handle the energy of my justice warrior any more and I knew things had to change.
I had exhausted myself trying to save people – from others, from themselves; from this cruel world - thinking that I was doing it all for the right reasons. Thinking that I could absorb and hold the pain and that it wouldn’t affect me; so others didn’t have to feel it. But I was killing myself and not helping the other person either.
In this “awakening” I began to see my “saviour behaviour” gave me a sense of purpose, it also gave me a sense of specialness, and superiority. I began to realise that amongst my martyrdom and resentfulness, that I was doing more harm then good. The thought of it now still makes me cringe and gulp. I was truly only serving myself with my sword and a mask.
Fixing everyone else and their problems seemed to keep me distracted from worrying about my own problems; my own hurt and pain. However, my biggest aha was when I realised just how much I was distracting myself from love and purpose – from pursuing my own dreams and happiness.
This is when the miracle happened. From that moment forward, my life began to change; I began to change! From this moment, everything I wanted for years began to come in my life. It started slowly, but it snowballed, and it wasn’t long that I found my energy now giving everything to living my dreams and my purpose.
There were two important things I learnt from all of this –
1.You cannot save anyone. You can sit with them, you can listen to them; you can even share your own experiences and perspective with them, but you can not take away their pain. That is for them and them only. That is their gift, which they must learn to transform themselves through. If you try and take away people’s pain by giving them money every time their broke; bailing them out every time they are in jail; protecting them from the people that they really should be dealing with themselves, you are taking away the very things that they need to learn and grow stronger through. You cannot walk their path for them. They need to make their own mistakes, feel their own grief, anger, and uncertainty.
2. Your happiness is not dependent on others. How many times have you helped someone, thinking “this is it, they are going to do this or say that, or get their act together now”, only to find one week, one month, one year later they are back in or still in the same position? You find yourself feeling cheated, resentful, drained and even betrayed because you are doing it out of conditional love. Conditional love will only take you so far, but generally leave you feeling resentful, angry and alone.
You cannot do for others and expect them to act, love or behave in ways in return that is going to be pleasing to you. Happiness is not something that you can give another, nor can another give you! You cannot save any one and you cannot be saved; if you are looking for someone to save you. If you are, you will only find more pain – more drama’s and that warrior coming out with her sword each and every day.
Once you realise these two important points you will free yourself from buying into karmic relationship patterns – going round and round in circles continual fighting battles, feeling misunderstood and victimised.
You will enjoy love with others where each person is responsible for their own self and happiness. Where you are free to be happy at any time without the dependence on someone else’s actions or words, and without the pressure of being responsible for someone else’s happiness.
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